Everyone recently has decided that the debate on pineapple on pizza is the be-all-end-all of repugnant (or amazing, depending on your preference) foods. I’m here to tell you this is wrong, and that there’s worse things to be irrationally upset about people enjoying. Also this list is definitely exhaustive and objective and should be taken extremely seriously.
1. Toast Hawaii
The first time I came across toast Hawaii was actually from me searching to see if a Canadian was actually the inventor of Hawaiian pizza. As it turns out, this is true, but Germany believes that they inspired the contentious pizza with the truly disgusting open sandwich dubbed “Toast Hawaii.” There are so many things wrong here. Firstly, you can’t just call a piece of bread with stuff on it an open sandwich. This would arguably make hot dogs and pizza open sandwiches and this is not a debate anyone should engage. Secondly, please note the maraschino cherry on top of this monstrosity. Really Germany? #DoBetter. If this is the ancestor of the Hawaiian, we should support the leader of Iceland in banning pineapple on pizza.
2. Cold Pressed Juice
As much a food trend as it is an example of conspicuous consumption, cold pressed juice generally tastes very good. I’ll admit to buying a couple bottles on occasion (especially during cold season in the hopes that somehow pounding back ginger and citrus would prevent me from getting sick), but I really think we need to reconsider these bougie juices. Their health benefit is hardly founded in nutritional science. As we all know, taking the pulp out of fruits and vegetables so we can consume their “essential vitamins” and help our digestive systems flush “toxins” totally makes sense. Yes, you’ll lose weight if you go on a juice cleanse, but you’ll also lose weight if you drink water mixed with sugar for a couple days as well. As it turns out, neither is a healthy idea. Having trouble getting your produce intake? Make a smoothie. Cold Pressed Juice is no better than fancy soda.
A decent amount of these snacks are actually pretty decent (I’m personally a fan of protein chips) but its the excess of these products that it objectionable. Protein pancakes? Protein salad dressing? Protein ice cream? Can we maybe chill? Or have you never heard of poultry, pork, beef, tofu, or legumes? Please be kind to each other and limit your whey-intake: protein farts are a serious issue that affect us all.
4. Keeping the Tails on Shrimp in Dishes
Fine-dining habits astound me. So let me get this straight. I pay a restaurant $35+ for a nice plate of frutti di mare pasta and the chef can’t be bothered to remove the shell from the 3-4 shrimps in the dish? I’ve seen the arguments for why this is a thing (with range from “it’s pretty!” to the more valid “it adds flavour!”) but I’d be perfectly happy to sacrifice these benefits so that I can eat my food without awkwardly having to take apart my dish before eating it. Of course in cases where shrimp or other shellfish are being eaten by themselves, I totally get leaving the de-shelling process to the patron. I also get that some cultures actually eat the tails and to that I happily refer to the wise proverb “you do you.” But for me personally, awkwardly digging through a delicately plated dish and ripping the tails off anthropods is not my idea of a good time.
5. Waiting in Long Lines for Desserts
Hear me out people: eating ice cream is not the same as riding a rollercoaster. As such, it doesn’t warrant waiting in queue for an hour. Anyone who’s been around any major city knows about this trend, and its propensity for its boom and bust phases. Some trendy new treat becomes the best thing ever, and lovers drag their significant others to wait in stupidly long lines to spend stupidly large amounts of moneys for redressed basic treats (vanilla soft serve with cotton candy? sure, why not?). I’m not cynical about this though or speaking from experience. I’ve never been mad about this. Actually I’ve never been mad before: this is funny to me. I’m laughing right now as I type this.
Real talk though: a lot of these cute, trendy shops are not worth the hype. I can’t tell you how many of my friends walked away from Sweet Jesus happy about either of the following: A. A sense of relief that they managed to go when the line wasn’t bad or B. A dopamine rush from the amount of likes their insta pic from their trip managed to earn. In other words, no one was exactly thrilled with the time/money to ice cream quality ratio. I’m not going to rag on every trendy dessert shop, as a lot of them actually make great foods (e.g. Uncle Tetsu’s makes a fantastic little cheese cake that’s absolutely worth it when the lines are short). But very few desserts are worth waiting in a massive line line for: you’re usually going to walk away disappointed.